The Messiness of Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day! For many years this was a difficult sentence for me to say.

Mother’s Day is a holiday I struggled with for a long time, often wishing it would disappear from the calendar altogether. Being a mom to a child with special needs, constantly making sacrifices for that child, made it the one holiday I felt I deserved. On the flip side, I had a strained relationship with my mom. For so many years I dreaded the day I felt obligated to celebrate a mother I did not feel deserved to be celebrated. I know, I know! But to be fair, I did not wake up one day and say to myself, “I think I’ll be upset with my mom.”  No, I had years of suppressed emotions, feelings I did not feel right having because according to the ten commandments, you are supposed to “honor thy father and thy mother.” Until the day I realized, honoring my mother meant I had been ignoring and had even suppressed my own emotions and that was not fair to me or good for my health. I could no longer deal with the internal pain that consumed me, so I confronted her. Let’s just say it did not go well.

Unless you have a strained relationship with a parent, or any family member for that matter (dealing with addiction, narcissism, anger issues), you cannot understand how that break is needed to protect your own peace.

To be candid, it always bothered me that I did not have the relationship with my mother that others had with theirs. Enter another commandment I was breaking here, “thou shalt not covet.” Boy did I covet those relationships. Strike two for me.

As a result, I began to HATE Mother’s Day. For many years, I spent this holiday crying and depressed. It was horrible! I, was horrible! No matter how hard they tried, I made it a difficult day for my husband and son. I couldn’t help it. Each year I would wake up and try to enjoy the day, but the heartache was unbearable and before I knew it, I let that resentment and sadness get the best of me. Do you know why? Because I knew she was spending it the exact same way, but for different reasons.

Then, Mom passed away. Now what do I do? Well, my relationship with her blossomed into a big, beautiful gift, a relationship like we used to have. Strange, right?

In Threads of Gold, my chapter 'Making Peace with Grief', I share some of the details of what happened with my relationship with my mom. I also share how just before she passed, we were given the gift of Time where we had the beautiful blessing of working on forgiveness. Those twelve days, sadly her last, we experienced a closeness I had longed for. They were awkward because we hadn’t spent that much time together in so long, and we knew her life was nearing the end. But we made the best of them, laughing and crying together, bringing warmth to her cold hospital room.

I knew know my mom loved me, she just had obstacles in her life that she did not quite know how to work through. She tried. But it was the whole one step forward two steps back scenario. I’ll say this, addiction sucks! It is a thief. The person who had brought me into this world, was stolen from me.

Mom gained her wings on the evening of April 9, 2019. Her three children surrounded her bed, while the sounds of Enya and peace filled her hospital room. I’m so glad that in the end, we were able to help her pass peacefully.

Thanks to the gift of forgiveness, I no longer spend Mother’s Day crying. Me and Mom plant flowers together on a holiday I once detested. I talk to her as I play in the dirt. I know she is with me because not only do I feel her, but for the past five years a butterfly has joined me. It flutters around my head as I plant my colorful array of petunias and geraniums. Now, I can reflect on what I learned from her instead of focusing on where I felt she failed me. I can forget about the challenging times and reflect on the gifts she gave me, the biggest being the gift of life.

My mother was beautiful! I miss the sound of her soft voice calling my name, but if I close my eyes, I can hear it as if she whispers in my ear. I miss the small, useless trinkets she used to surprise us with. Trinkets that I once thought of as a waste of money, instead of recognizing that she had been thinking of us. Now I can focus on and appreciate all the ways she showed me she loved me.

I am NOT a perfect mother myself and I am sure if he could, my son would share with me the ways I fail him. I’m glad I have the awareness and wisdom to know these things. I wish I could get some of that time back with my mom. I may not be able to do that, but I can acknowledge that she is a powerful angel, and she is doing for me from the other side what she was unable to do here on this earth.

I love you, Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!